Talking to someone about it: finding the words

You'd like to talk about it with your partner, and the words won't come. Or else you've bought something. And you're already thinking about the face of the person who might find it. These are two different worries. They call for the same thing: a short, calm sentence that doesn't need explaining. Here's how to prepare it.

Why it's hard to say

The subject isn't more complicated than any other. It's what you imagine around it that is.

There's the fear of offending. The fear that the sentence will come across as a reproach: “so what we do isn't enough for you”. The fear of being looked at differently afterwards. Many people stop there and never talk about it. That's normal.

One thing helps: deciding in advance that you'll say it once. Just once. You say the sentence, you let the other person answer, and you don't come back to it right afterwards. It's a simple rule, known to both sides.

The moment and the place

Three moments to avoid.

• In bed. There, a sentence quickly sounds like a request for right now. Or like an opinion on what just happened.
• During an argument. The sentence becomes a weapon, even when that wasn't the intention.
• In passing. On the doorstep, putting on a coat, there's no room for the answer.

What works better: an ordinary, quiet moment. In the car. While walking. While tidying the kitchen. When you're not sitting face to face, many people find it easier to start.

Simple sentences, ready to say

You can use them as they are. They're short on purpose: the more you explain, the more you seem to be justifying yourself.

• “There's something I want to tell you and I'm not quite sure how to say it. Stop me if you feel uncomfortable.”
• “I'd like us to try an accessory, the two of us. What do you think?”
• “It's not because something's wrong. I just feel like it.”
• “You can say no. It won't change anything between us.”
• “We don't have to decide now. Think about it, and we'll talk about it again whenever you like.”

Three are enough. Pick the ones that sound like you. Keep the same tone for all of them: calm, without apologising.

What's best avoided

• Comparing. Don't mention a former partner, a couple you're friends with, or something you read somewhere. A comparison sounds like a rating.
• The unspoken reproach. “It's been a long time since...”, “you never...”. The desire is no longer heard, only the reproach.
• Bringing out the object without warning. It's asking for two things at the same time. Accepting the idea, and accepting the object, straight away. Talk first. The purchase comes afterwards, if it comes.
• Insisting. Asking the question again the next day, then the day after, is asking the same thing three times.

If the answer is no

Then it's no, and the subject is put away.

No doesn't necessarily mean no forever. It means no today. That's already a clear answer. You don't need to know why, and the other person doesn't have to explain it.

Then, don't turn this no against the other person. No sulking. No little remarks in the following days. No “as you wish” that means the opposite. You asked the question, the other person answered, the subject is settled.

You can talk about it again in six months. Or never. Both are perfectly fine, and nobody is keeping score.

If someone comes across it by chance

An opened parcel, a drawer that's been moved, someone tidying up who finds it. Many people think about this and don't mention it to anyone. One thing first: you don't owe any explanation.

A short sentence is enough, said calmly.

• “It's mine.”
• “It's personal.”
• “Yes. And I'd rather we leave it there.”

Don't elaborate. The longer the answer, the more questions it brings. When nobody adds anything, the moment passes.

If it's a child who finds it, there's a sentence for that too: “It's an adult's object, it's not for you.” Then you put it away somewhere else, in a place that locks. That's all.

The rest of the Journal answers other questions people don't dare ask out loud.